What does it mean when a young writer uses you romantically to get published? Does it mean you’ve arrived? Is it a compliment? Is it an inevitability? Is it a rite of passage? Is there a way to turn the resentment and anger into something more soigné?

Now now, nobody likes a braggard. You must know you don’t have a problem. For the love of god, throw the youngster’s manuscript in a bubble envelope, Sharpie your agent’s address on it, call the bicycle courier, and get your arse back in bed. (It’s time you learned that as a writer, you are the least qualified person to know what should be published and what shouldn’t.)

Ah, but you asked what does it mean to be used in this way. It means you have a means of getting young sylphs, or sylvans, or whatever the case may be, into your bed – isn’t that, after all, the reason you became a writer in the first place?

09/10/09

Last year I took a creative writing course. I didn’t do very well, or at least, my instructor was less than encouraging. But I just found out that he has a book coming out that sounds too similar to the plot of the novel I was working on (and have since shelved) to be a coincidence. This guy has published a lot of books, and has even won some awards, whereas I am a complete unknown. What should I do?

Good news if some of your ideas have been nicked by your instructor. This shows you have promise! Keep plugging away and remember: bitterness is fine fuel for your craft. Finer, even, than taking a creative writing course.

You see, teaching, rather than studying, creative writing is where you eventually want to end up: £3,000 an hour for 28 hours a year — not half bad is it. And being around young people and all their interesting ideas is so … rejuvenating.


06/16/08

I am a top-ranking political advisor who recently resigned from my job. I am now planning to write a book. How do I take credit for everything while praising my former boss, yet distance myself from him just enough that other people will want to hire me?

Karl, you made your bed, lay spooning (and god knows what else — oh yes, god knows) your old boss in it, and now that he's not only stolen the covers but has kicked you out, you want to mail out the sex tapes? No one’s going to think your trained monkey made a single decision without you, including whether or not to be “safe.” We all saw him shoot you those wide-eyed-shrug-his-shoulders looks.

You have been screwed. You are the screwee. Own it. Forget writing about politics. Self-help is now your main concern — and it's also where the money is. You've created a shell-shocked market, now it's time to capitalize. Try framing it as a list, pick an odd number, like 17 Lessons I Learned at the White House that You Can Use to Manage Your Home, Business, and Relationship.

Six segments on Oprah in a year and you'll be wondering why you ever got into politics.


08/24/07

I wrote a novel with some events sort of loosely based on things that have happened to some friends and family members. Now everyone's mad at me. What should I do?

Mad you say? Congratulations! You’re most of the way there.

Have your publicist send over an excerpt of the juiciest bits to the editor at your local newspaper. Don’t give it all away, just a few teasing morsels to get the gossip mill turning.

If you don’t already have one, get an agent — and hire a lawyer. Not just any lawyer. Go for a full-service firm with entertainment, criminal, corporate — the works. Instruct the lawyer to work with the agent in the best interests of the “novel.” Like a pair of jackals they’ll pick out the weakling in your midst who tries to sue first, circling him, keeping him trotting until he’s tired and cornered — and then they’ll pounce. And that’s when you win many times over. Schadenfreude sells. You’ll see.

Once the money rolls in, your friends and family won't be a problem. You simply won’t need them anymore.

Finally, ask yourself, when did you last go to the dentist? When your mum picked that 17 to 1 winner at the track, right? Set aside an afternoon and book an appointment. Imagine how great you’ll feel running your tongue over your perfectly polished mouthful of pearls.



08/13/07

How can I help make poetry an art form that is as popular as fiction or film?

First of all stay away from ballads. The money's in sonnets unless you want to go experimental-indie-art-house and try your luck with some free verse. But if it's your first wide-release poem you want to stick with what works.

I know what you're going to say: With the sonnet you're stuck in this thesis-antithesis-synthesis routine. But ask yourself, what are you doing here? Reflecting the world or illuminating it?

I'll assume you're serious and have been through the rewrites, design integration, financing and of course had your legal team scrub the text. With the easy parts done, it's time for the tough stuff, marketing and promotion. I suggest a three-pronged approach:

First, viral buzz — you know, something like a fake MySpace page with teaser lines that will track IP addresses so you can get an idea of where interest is already strong. In these "hot zones" you're going to want to have your publicity team book interviews with the poetry critics and talk shows — standard stuff.

Second, in the cooler areas, you're going to have to work a little harder. Likely your demographic will already have their favourite local poets and you're going to need to be seen with them. Raves, dinner parties, the football game — whatever it takes. Put in a little time and it will pay dividends when your poem hits the streets.

All that's left now is the open-bar launch party, and since you're the poet I'll leave that in your capable hands.

07/20/07

I desperately want to offend and/or alienate everyone in my book club. What book should I suggest and what should I say about it?

Hm, good question. It’s so difficult to truly shock anyone these days with content alone. Whom to blame for this? Chuck Palahniuk? Cormac McCarthy? Irvine Welsh? Erica Jong? They and their kind have made it possible to write practically anything without a hope in hell of the publicity carnival that accompanies a good old-fashioned book ban. How depressing. There’s always YA, I suppose; still faithfully patrolled by zealots, for now anyway.

Why don’t you suggest a book that your club will willingly embrace? Something so canonical they wouldn’t dare turn it down, and then you can save all the alienation and offence for your discussion of a maligned character. I’m thinking of Nabokov’s Lolita. Provoke and then subtly undermine your club by defending Humbert Humbert. Have him symbolize the fate of masculinity in this post-feminist world and be reviled by everyone! Convince them that this was Nabokov’s intent and maybe they’ll even try to get it banned (again)! Controversy-starved novelists everywhere will thank you while your fellow book clubbers quickly delete you from their address books.


07/16/07

My editor is hitting on me mercilessly. What should I do?

If he/she is unattractive, get really drunk and sleep with him/her anyway. If he/she is attractive, quit writing, because if you need advice about this there is clearly little hope for you.

10/11/06